The Name/Draft Grade Combo Poopoo Platter Extravaganza Laugh-Fest

DISCLAIMER – This is a recap of the fantasy draft that I recently did with all of my friends from college. If you weren’t part of this draft, it’s probably not going to be funny for you. But, if you want to learn something, I’ve included the draft results if you’d like to play along and pretend like you matter to us…

(Or more appropriately, ‘Doug tries to write fantasy football jokes and recapture his 2012 comedic form.’ Honestly, It took me 20 minutes to write this sentence. I feel like Coach Ritter playing pickup basketball with his high school kids and pretending that he’s still the guy who made Justin Anderson yell, ‘I’M GOING TO MARYLAND, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?’)

Well gang, welcome to the second annual post-draft write up in the history of our fine league. To be honest, I wasn’t planning on writing anything this year because, frankly, who wants to read the fantasy football musings of a guy who:

• Drafted CJ Spiller third overall last year.
• Has hitched his wagon to Dwayne Bowe for the last three years (and I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to trading for him this year – Jamal Charles can’t touch the ball every play!).
• Thought Stevan Ridley would get over his fumbling issues with a little encouragement (high and tight, Stevey!).

But, Joel asked me to write something, and he’s taking me to the Eagles vs. Redskins game in December, so I’m not really in a position to refuse his request (just think Nick, if it weren’t for Joel you could be calling in all kinds of favors right now). As in past years, we’ll do a quick analysis of everyone’s team names and draft results. If that’s not good enough, then tough toenails – 12 teams is a lot to cover.

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The First Ever MulchPile “Best Movie Character Driver” Power Rankings

What’s this? A non-basketball post? I’ll admit I may have gotten a little too hoops-centric as of late (by “as of late” I mean yesterday, since I barely ever write anymore – I’m not proud of this), but it’s also NBA Playoff time, and with a maximum of seven games left in the season, I’m trying to get my money’s worth.

But perhaps just as great as basketball is summer movie season, which is upon us! Obviously, the most successful box office hit recently has been Fast and Furious 6, and for good reason, since it’s absolutely awesome. I haven’t even seen it yet, but I just know.

For the record, I was planning on seeing it the day it came out, but I decided to make my girlfriend watch the first five movies first so I could make her go with me, and this has taken longer than anticipated. We had to stop the other night right after the Dom vs. Hobbs battle royale in Fast Five, which, if you don’t remember, is the greatest moment in modern cinema. So hopefully we’ll get out and see number six soon.

But in the meantime, all of this “Fast and Something” hoopla has inspired me to think about the best driver characters in movie history. This started with a tweet I saw from ESPN’s Michael Smith on a similar topic, and then turned into a massive text discussion thread between me and my friends. Seriously, I’ve been thinking about this for weeks.

So the rankings below are the result of extensive discussion, countless hours of movie-viewing and research, and well-informed speculation. I present to you, The MulchPile’s first ever Best Movie Character Driver Power Rankings. My family must be so proud. Continue reading

How to Win the Lottery – Not the PowerBall, You Nitwits!

In case you didn’t know, today is one of my favorite days in the NBA: the Draft Lottery! Today we get to see the NBA’s corruption justice system at work, as the league’s worst 14 teams find out their position in the upcoming NBA Draft.

Honestly, the event itself is super lame, but the unintentional comedy is unbelievable. Imagine watching The Bachelor results, except instead of 14 gorgeous women you have 14 goofy owners/team executives. Not only are the celebrations top notch, but even better are the begrudging golf claps from the teams who “lose.” Don’t believe me? Check this out:

Unbelievable, right? Is there anything funnier than watching plump, dorky, extremely rich guys celebrate without trying to rub it into everyone else’s faces on national TV? Actually yes, there is. I offer some suggestions to improve the NBA Draft Lottery: Continue reading