Mocking the NBA Draft

There are a million NBA Draft mocks out there, many of which are from people more informed than I, so I’ve decided not to write a traditional “mock draft post.” Instead, why not mock the NBA Draft?

In order of first round draft picks, here is who each NBA team should draft, in a perfect world:

1. Cleveland Cavaliers select… Jordan Crawford: HE DUNKED ON LEBRON ONCE SO HE’S DAN GILBERT’S FAVORITE PLAYER.

2. Orlando Magic select… Dwight Howard: And he has to live with Stan Van Gundy, which will lead to a sitcom spinoff of My Giant.

3. Washington Wizards select… Yosemite Sam: So we can make this Gilbert Arenas joke every day in the locker room:

NOOOO NOT AGAIN!

NOOOO NOT AGAIN!

4. Charlotte Bobcats select… Kentavious Caldwell-Pope: Partnered with Kidd-Gilchrist, they form perhaps the best “hyphenated last name” tandem in NBA history.

5. Phoenix Suns select… Thurgood Jenkins: The only solution to keeping Michael Beasley happy.

6. New Orleans Pelicans select… The Birdman: With a lottery pick, you’re shooting for an ambassador of the franchise, so why not draft someone whose name applies directly to the franchise?

7. Sacramento Kings select… John Morgan, America’s greatest hypnotist: “Demarcus, you are in a happy place, where you love to rebound and play defense and not fight your teammates…”

8. Detroit Pistons select… Kid Rock: If Rock is too busy playing, he won’t be able to sing the national anthem anymore. Everybody wins.

9. Minnesota Timberwolves select… Jimmy Chitwood: The whitest team in the NBA gets a little whiter.

10. Portland Trailblazers select… Greg Oden: Just Kidding.

11. Philadelphia 76ers select… Adam Aaron: Who will be released one season later, only to be un-released, so that he can soon be re-released.

12. Oklahoma City Thunder select… James Harden: Aww man imagine if Harden played for the Thunder! That would be so cool!

13. Dallas Mavericks select… David Hasselhoff: The Mavs’ best chance at getting production out of Dirk for the next few years.

14. Utah Jazz select… Johnny Utah: The team’s new tagline = “Utah, get me two!”

15. Milwaukee Bucks select… These Jerseys: I would watch Brandon Jennings and four midgets play if they were wearing those. (Side note: Jennings has my favorite high school mixtape highlight of all time. Go to 1:03.)

16. Boston Celtics select… Paula Deen: Apparently the only person who talks more trash than Kevin Garnett. If Garnett ends up in L.A., Boston has to replace his mouth.

17. Atlanta Hawks select… Doug Schultz: I’m moving to Atlanta in November anyway, my jumper’s been tremendous recently, and I’m a great “Ra-Ra person with a towel at the end of the bench” guy!

20. Chicago Bulls select… Dr. John F. Murray, sports psychologist: “Well Derrick, I’m beginning to think that your refusal to come back is due to guilt over never taking the SATs…”

22. Brooklyn Nets select… Petyr Baelish: If anyone can find a way to work around paying four players nearly $70 million dollars per season for the next three years, it’s the Master of Coin.

23. Indiana Pacers select… Bob Lee Swagger: They need SOMEBODY who can shoot, don’t they?

24. New York Knicks select… James McCoubery, oldest man alive: At a spry 111 years old, James should fit right into the Knicks’ locker room culture.

25. Los Angeles Clippers select… Austin Rivers: Rivers has the chance to be the first NBA player ever to say, “But DAAAAAAD!” when he gets yanked from the game.

27. Denver Nuggets… George Karl: Perfect fit to fill the Nuggets’ coaching vacancy, don’t you think?

28. San Antonio Spurs select… Darius Miles: The most innovative team in the league is ushering in the cornrow revival, with Kawhi Leonard leading the charge. Get on board!

Enjoy the draft people! As a Sixers fan, I know I won’t.

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