In case you didn’t know, today is one of my favorite days in the NBA: the Draft Lottery! Today we get to see the NBA’s
corruption justice system at work, as the league’s worst 14 teams find out their position in the upcoming NBA Draft.
Honestly, the event itself is super lame, but the unintentional comedy is unbelievable. Imagine watching The Bachelor results, except instead of 14 gorgeous women you have 14 goofy owners/team executives. Not only are the celebrations top notch, but even better are the begrudging golf claps from the teams who “lose.” Don’t believe me? Check this out:
Unbelievable, right? Is there anything funnier than watching plump, dorky, extremely rich guys celebrate without trying to rub it into everyone else’s faces on national TV? Actually yes, there is. I offer some suggestions to improve the NBA Draft Lottery:
Make all of the owners play in a 1-on-1 tournament.
Seeding by reverse record, games to three, winners’ outs. All of a sudden Michael Jordan’s horrible personnel choices become very forgivable, don’t they?
Auction off the picks.
Imagine the money that would’ve been thrown around in 2003 (the ‘Bron/Melo/Bosh/Wade draft class)…
Choose one player from your roster to win a poker game.
If this were implemented right now, my prediction for the heads-up matchup would be Minnesota’s Andre Kirilenko losing in an upset to Phoenix’s Jared Dudley. Kirilenko in his Russian accent: “He beat me…Straight up…Pay him…Pay that man his money.”
Have the non-lottery owners vote on the order.
The ultimate rich guy popularity contest.
Picks based off the hotness of the owners’ wives.
Single owners get one “mistress” entry which can be matched by a married owner, if he’s willing to admit his infidelity. Would Andrew Wiggins next year be worth ruining your marriage (YES! GOOD GOD YES!)?
A more realistic approach…
I understand that none of these would happen, so let’s try something different. Recently, the popular practice has been to send a “team representative” for the lottery, either an ex-player or someone else associated with the team. Most teams have kept things relatively tame, but why not get creative? What a missed opportunity!
In order of odds to win, here are my representative suggestions for each of this year’s lottery teams:
1. Orlando Magic – David Blaine
The whole “magic” thing fits nicely. Maybe Blaine could bury himself until Orlando makes the playoffs again?
2. Charlotte Bobcats – Metta World Peace
Because he’s the only person in the NBA who’s changed his name as much as the Borbcatnets.
3. Cleveland Cavaliers – LeBron James (JUST KIDDING!), The Presidents of the United States of America
Who would turn down a “Peaches” mid-draft performance? Also, if Cleveland wins the top pick, the obvious musical choice would be “Cleveland Rocks.”
4. Phoenix Suns – Joaquin Phoenix (get it?), in his “I’m Still Here” persona
If he could piss off Letterman, imagine what he would do to David Stern.
5. New Orleans Pelicans (ewwww) – A “Tucan Sam” puppet
Free Fruit Loops for all! No one would know the difference between the birds.
6. Sacramento Kings – The Seattle Ownership Group
They would be the first ever lottery reps who were rooting against themselves.
7. Detroit Pistons – Eminem
New selection idea! The representatives rap battle, winner gets first pick.
8. Washington Wizards – Gilbert Arenas
*Turns his gun to point at David Stern.*
9. Minnesota Timberwolves – Roslyn M. Brock, Chair(wo)man of NAACP Board of Directors
So they could prove that their team being predominantly white isn’t because they’re racist. In fact, there aren’t a lot of women on the roster either. Ugh, the T’Wolves are so sexist…
10. Portland Trail Blazers – Bill Schonely
The man who coined “Rip City” deserves to be the rip-resentative (hehe) every year.
11. Philadelphia 76ers <333 – Eric Snow
I could’ve named 100 different choices for my hometown boys, but having your representative be in constant danger of falling asleep on national TV seems the best option:
12. Toronto Raptors – Jeff Goldblum, while playing the part of Ian Malcolm
He’s the coolest person I could think of associated with dinosaurs, and I would love to see how Chaos Theory applies to lottery balls. When everyone gets bored 20 minutes into the show he can quip, “We must go faster, must go faster…”
13. Dallas Mavericks – Whoever replaced Mark Cuban at the Deron Williams meeting because Cuban was filming an episode of “Shark Tank”
It worked during the first meeting, right? Oh wait…
14. Utah Jazz – Kelly Eisenhour
She is the most famous Mormon jazz musician I could find. Yep, this was the cleverest thing I could think of. What a great way to end a list, eh? Thanks for nothing, Utah.
And if all of this fails…
You could always make a drinking game out of it.