In theory, the NFL Draft is arguably the most universally exciting football event of the year. Here’s why:
- Every fan of every team is invested, because their team doesn’t suck yet (or at least that’s what they tell themselves).
- There’s so much time for buildup that there’s no way not to at least be curious about what’s going to happen. You almost end up watching just to see if Kiper or McShay were right.
- Lastly, there’s just nothing more compelling than player acquisition in sports. It’s why America is addicted to fantasy sports, why the trade deadline in everything but football is a huge deal, and why drafting players is the best part of every sports video game. Teams on paper are more fun to theorize about than the real ones; that’s why everyone is still more interested in this year’s Lakers than the Celtics, even though the Celts have been better all year.
The problem, however, is that in actuality, all of these things don’t make for great sports entertainment. In an isolated TV viewing situation, you’d probably rather watch the combine. At least someone’s actually running or jumping in that.
So, to make the process a little more exciting, we bring back the age-old (which in Mulch years is four months) tradition of a sporting-event-related MulchPile drinking game.
Without any further ado, I present the 2013 NFL Draft First Round MulchPile Drinking Game Which Breaks the Record for Most Qualifiers in a Title:
- Every time a trade is made, drink 3 seconds.
- Every time Roger Goodell gets booed, drink 1 second.
- Every time a player is compared to a current/former pro, drink 1 second.
- Anytime a white player is compared to another white player, drink 3 seconds.
- If Chris Berman makes a noise that isn’t part of the human vocabulary, drink 5 seconds.
- If you witness Adam Schefter or Chris Mortensen dual-weilding cell phones, drink 3 seconds.
- Every time Jon Gruden talks, drink. He’s awesome and you should be paying attention. Drinking while he talks is the most effective way to ensure silence.
- For each of the first ten picks that Mel Kiper gets wrong, drink 1 second.
- Drink for as far as Geno Smith gets picked from number ten. For example. if he goes fifth, drink 5 seconds. If he goes 25th, drink 15 seconds.
- When Manti Te’o gets picked, drink an imaginary beer. But then, drink an actual beer for 10 seconds.
- If someone is wearing anything that supports a particular team, they have to predict who that team will pick (this selection must be made immediately after the prior pick). If they are wrong, they drink 5 seconds. If they’re right, they pass out 10 seconds.
- If the Jets draft a quarterback, tweet something mean at Mark Sanchez. If he responds, pass out 1,000 seconds. If he does not, drink 2 seconds.
I can’t wait for this in three hours: