The L.A. Lakers vs. Miami Heat Mulch Diary

Here’s how this works: I watch the game, jot down my thoughts with a timestamp as they come into my head, and  genius ensues.

3:34 – The broadcast begins with Dwight Howard being blamed as the source of LA’s problems.

3:36 – Reason #1 that LeBron is the best player on the planet: A graphic on the screen says he is averaging 30.2 points, 6.6 rebounds, and 5.8 assists in February, and I’m not even that excited about it.

3:40 – That sigh of relief when Jeff Van Gundy starts talking and it’s not Doris Burke.

3:44 – Nash is already getting beat to the basket at will. Bold Prediction: Chalmers finishes with 20 today.

3:45 – From now on, every time Metta shoots the ball, I’m counting it as a turnover.

3:55 – Doesn’t LeBron’s jumper physically look better than it did a few years ago?

4:00 – Norris Cole comes off the bench and immediately hits a jumper. Has any Lakers’ bench player ever come off the bench and immediately hit a jumper?

4:03 – Does anyone else love that jazz-fusion version of the ESPN NBA theme song they play sometimes? Note to self: make that my ringtone.

4:09 – People LeBron James would rather have guarding him than Metta World Peace: Me. That’s about it.

4:16 – Dwight makes a ridiculous acrobatic dunk, then blocks a shot off the glass. Did he drink some of “Mike’s secret stuff” between quarters?

4:20 – Reason #2 why LeBron is the best player on the planet: ‘Bron has 10 points already and I didn’t even notice.

4:27 — Some confusion about what’s on my TV guide for later tonight: Are The Walking Dead and Boston Celtics Basketball Game the same thing?

4:30 – Kobe just shot a, “I haven’t shot in a while, so here I go!” shot.

4:32 – Worth pointing out: with 4 minutes left in the 2nd, Kobe has the worst plus/minus for LA at -3.

4:37 – Battier in the circle for a jump ball; can you take a charge on those?

4:38 –Steve Nash kicks the ball to his teammate so they can inbound it after a bucket. Nash doing anything soccer related on the court is one of my favorite things about him.

4:41 – Metta hits a 3-ball. Hell freezes over.

4:44 – Halftime: Metta and Earl Clark have more shots than Kobe, Nash, and Dwight combined. Mario Chalmers has 8 points (we’re on track for 20!)

4:48 – If you split the Lakers into two teams for a scrimmage:

Steve Blake, Jodie Meeks, Metta World Peace, Antawn Jamison, and Dwight Howard


Steve Nash, Kobe Bryant, Devin Ebanks, Earl Clark, and Robert Sacre

I guarantee Howard’s team wins.

4:55 – People the Lakers would rather have on their team than Kobe right now: Rudy Gay, Paul Pierce, OJ Mayo, DeMar DeRozan, Danilo Galinari, Jamal Crawford, Joe Johnson.

5:06 – Van Gundy freaks out about the absurdity of double fouls. All is right in the universe.

5:09 – Earl Clark gets rim-blocked on national television. Little does he know, I would give anything to be able to jump high enough to even be rim-blocked. Or to be on national television, actually.

5:12 – Metta World Peace backing down LeBron James is like Johnny Knoxville boxing Butterbean.

5:15 – 5 minutess left in the third: Metta/Clark have 5 more shots than James/Wade.

5:21 – The NBA would be a better league if isolations were illegal. If it worked for my 3rd grade rec league, why can’t it work for the pros?

5:24 – 2 minutes left in the third, 71 all. No Dwight. Here comes a Miami run. (This is followed by a missed Kobe fadeaway, two Miami offensive rebounds,  ‘Bron getting an and-one finish, Kobe making a Kobe finish, ‘Bron getting to the rim against Metta again for a foul, and an O-board off a free throw, leading to a LeBron 3. Third quarter ends 78-73. 7-2 run LA.).

5:32 – Before the fourth quarter starts: Dwight is +4, Kobe is -11.

5:35 – The Lakers should trade Metta World Peace for someone like Jodie Meeks. WAIT, Jodie Meeks is on the Lakers?

5:39 – That Old Spice Hawkridge commercial is the best moment of this game so far.

5:40 – That Seth MacFarlane Oscars promo is the worst.

5:41 – Breen makes a comment about Dwight’s effective free throw shooting today. Howard promptly misses. Van Gundy suggests that he shoot it underhand.

5:44 – After a pass from Kobe, Jamison rushes a horrible 3. It’s as if he was thinking, “Crap, Kobe’s going to be mad if I don’t get him an assist here!”

5:45 – ‘Bron gets a monster alley oop. Nash smartly gets the hell out of the way.

5:51 – Miami bench players who I would start over World Peace: Rashard Lewis, Chris Andersen, Shane Battier, Ray Allen, James Jones, Mike Miller.

5:58 – I’m not buying the whole “Kobe passes now” thing. He only passes if he’s double-teamed or if someone has a layup. Otherwise, it’s going up. In the 4th quarter, even those passes aren’t happening. The only reason his assists are up is because he’s getting the ball in the post EVERY possession.

6:03 – Howard hasn’t touched the basketball on offense in 30 minutes of real time (as I write this, Nash finds him for a layup – worth noting that Kobe didn’t touch the ball on that possession).

6:05 – With the clock winding down to zero, Kobe holds the ball, thinks for a second, then hits a jumper (3 points closer to that scoring record!).

6:05 – Ballgame. Chalmers finishes with 13 (It’s not my fault that Wade scored 100 points in the fourth quarter).

6:10 – Final thoughts:

  • After watching this game, the Lakers are only as good as Kobe Bryant lets them be. When the offense goes through him, it’s not creative, effective, or efficient. Through anyone else, their offense doesn’t look half bad.
  • D’Antoni has no control over this team.
  • Miami didn’t even play hard and won.
  • I didn’t realize how easy it is to make fun of Metta World Peace.
  • Howard will never be the focal point of the Lakers for as long as Kobe is there.
  • If I’m Dwight, I’m getting the hell out of Los Angeles next year.

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