C’mon Reggie – How a Reckless Rebounder Fits in the NBA’s Social Hierarchy

So was anyone surprised by Reggie Evans’s total dismissal of the Miami Heat’s championship run from last year? Nope, me neither; he’s insane. But what did surprise me was ‘Bron ‘Bron’s little hissy fit after Wednesday’s blowout. Frankly, I didn’t think James would even give him the time of day. Why would he? If this is high school, Lebron is one of, if not the, popular guy of the senior class, which makes Reggie Evans the giant, crazy girl who constantly has an in-school suspension. You’re King James, you don’t acknowledge the gripes of the peasants! As insecure as LeBron might have come off, however, let’s not lose sight of the real idiot loser of the LeBeef. Seriously, does Reggie Evans have the right to go after anyone?

Yikes.

(If Reggie went as “Rack ‘Em Willie” for Halloween, would he even have to dress up?)

Let me make it clear; I actually really like Reggie Evans. I think he’s a phenomenal rebounder, an above average post defender, and he plays harder than anyone not nicknamed “Birdman.” But c’mon Reggie, you ought to know better.

This most recent instance of a crazy guy with a beard going after Lebron (my favorite is still Deshawn Stevenson’s diss that turned into a Jay-Z vs. Soulja Boi beef) just proves that even in the NBA, not all men are created equal.

Like any other sport, there is a certain elite class that rule over the league like the 15 or so popular guys did in high school. As the cool seniors had their buffer of friends who neutralized any low-ranking haters, these NBA Kings have immunity from their less-paid counterparts. Put simply, if you go after these guys, you’ll end up looking silly like Reggie Evans (but at least you won’t actually look like Reggie Evans).

Without further ado, I give you the NBA Popular List (and just for fun, who they might have been in high school).

  • Kobe Bryant – The alpha male and leader of “The Crew,” but he goes too far with a girl at senior week and gets accused of taking advantage of her.
  • Lebron James – The guy who everyone assumes gets every girl, but graduates a virgin.
  • Dwight Howard – The guy who is popular only because he is the tallest person in the hallway; his nickname is “Big” + whatever his first name is.
  • Kevin Durant – The guy who didn’t go to parties but everyone respected him for it.
  • Dwyane Wade – The class president who was a little too into himself. Probably dated a girl who was attractive but annoying and anal.
  • Kevin Garnett – The guy who is always at the assistant principal’s office. Received a 20-day suspension for fighting a sophomore who accidentally bumped into him at lunch. He hangs out with the popular kids because they are too afraid to tell him not to.
  • Paul Pierce – The popular kid who you are surprised to find out comes from a broken home and is poor.
  • Carmelo Anthony – The ghetto kid who transferred in late in his junior year. All of the girls think he’s exotic because they’ve never seen a doo-rag before.
  • Blake Griffin – The guy who is always the first person to take off his shirt at parties.
  • Chris Paul – The guy who bought Hollister clothes a month after everyone else decided to.
  • Kyrie Irving – The private school transfer whose parents threw the best grad party.
  • Derrick Rose – The really dumb kid who was crazy enough to climb onto the roof of the school and do a back flip off it during finals.
  • Stephen Curry – The guy with the really cool dad that all the guys think is “the man.”
  • Dirk Nowitzki – The kooky foreign kid who gets a free pass for being weird because he’s foreign.
  • Kevin Love – The kid who grew weird mustaches because he was the only guy who could grow facial hair in high school.

(On an actual basketball note, I think Griffin only makes this list because he is playing in LA. If he were playing for say, Portland, I don’t think he gets through to the “in-crowd.”)

So for all you high school nobodies out there who are thinking about taking the popular kids down a peg or two, don’t; you might grow a beard, lose your teeth, and become a great rebounder.

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